| the dark world of Sean Kiernan, I am no lovecraft |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|08:47 pm] |
I have been falling asleep listening to H.P. Lovecraft's The Shadow over Innsmouth recently. (http://www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/lovecraft/theshadowoverinnsmouth.htm) Everyone needs to read it once in their life. Lovecraft is the creator of modern horror according to Stephen King and Dean Koontz. He is a tad wordy and antiquarian, but on a rainy evening in Boston his writings are a comfort and a pleasure.
I am sitting in my living room on the floor. This room was formerly Bill's room. I miss his presence. He’s a good friend and I did not want him gone. We could have gotten a bigger place with a room for him. He would rather live with Frankie which I can see. Frankie is more fun than me. Most people are more fun than me.
I am smoking a Bolivar Toro right now. Magnificent. Bitter sweet chocolate and a note of a nice oily coffee.
I am growing more and unsure of myself and my relations with people. Usually a misperception on my part, but you never knows.
People watch Grey's anatomy! It’s better than house. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|08:46 pm] |
So I had a crappy day at work. Move-ins are stressful and new proctors smell like my asshole after a two burrito day. Worked with Ben on the A shift he wanted to supervise. Its odd because Ben tends to like dispatching. Other that the testicle pain, I have become indiffernt to which Supervisor role I fill. Both have pros and cons and I have grown to dislike both. I hate working at the Resident Safety Office since I got passed up for that promotion. I really hate Schillinger, he looks like a child molester and hes barely competent enough to proctor let alone much else.
I did not want to be alone today. I really didnt. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|08:02 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alice in Chains - Down in a hole | ] |
So I had a good weekend. Met up with Liz's friends and went to Fenway for some minor league games. Liz and Darcy got yelled at for dropping the "f-bomb" to frequently at a family game. Liz and I are a family, Darcy and Don are a family. Just because we don't have kids mean we aren't. I'm enjoying the hell out of the job search, actually no I am not. I dispise that fact that full time employment escapes me and I can't seem to find that bit of self worth that comes from feeling validated for spending all that time in college. I've been thinking about joining a post bac. program at Tufts. Am I smart enough? do I have the will? I used to say yes no doubt. Now I dont know. I miss Carpenter and Kitty. Luba is pissed at me for something wasn't really my choice. Bill is leaving and Sarah is in a coccon. I am lonely most of the day.
Yea thats about it,
Sean |
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| Slova slova slova |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|09:07 pm] |
Words of wisdom come from all manners of people. These are not always words of wisdom, but they are amusing all the same.
Words of Advice from my former roomate Mark:
" Your violating principle number one as a man, Never allow yourself to feel anything but pleasure. If a bitch isnt sucking my dick, fucking me or cooking me dinner I want absolutly nothing to do with her, if she can perform all of these activites without talking the better." (In regards to my explaining why I felt heart broken as of late)
" If a bitch fucks like a dead fish give her the scumbag slap, she wants to act like a fuckhole treat her like one." ( The "scumbag Slap" is actually a move mark perfected, It involves smacking a girl across the face with a used condom. NOt reccomended but all the same deeply troubling)
Enough of Mark my other former roomate Eric is a piece of work unto himself, I cant explain why he is such a racist or even why he is as crude as he is.
Eric:I cnat go back to Caribbian Lit.
Me: Why not?
Eric: Well they handed us this handout with a photo of a guy on it, and he looked like that guy from that movie Amistad, So i drew a slave collar around his neck and the girl next to me told the whole class.
ME: yea dont go back they might lynch you, well they should.
Playing a game of football where he is truely beating my ass...
Eric: Damn its good to be a white man, Look at the touchdown!
Me: Eric the guy your controlling is black, why is that a white thing?
Eric: Its just that,Im controlling him. Oh yea, and Happy Chanukah you fucking Jew.
His comments on liz and I are really bad, Liz somehow gets a kick out of most of them, mainly because they are absurd.
Eric: You and liz married yet? You should be that would be fucking funny, Jewish Roman Catholics.
Me: Shes protestant, and
Eric: even better Havah Nagilah WASPS!
Left on my AIM away message once:
Eric: You and LIz fuck like Nigs on the Amistad! Which ironically docked in my hometown of New Haven. (This is the only comment he has ever aplogized for...)
Now on To Liz's own lapses in Judgement:
I tried to describe my family's Journey from Yemen to Israel to her one night
Me:(pointing to the map) This is Yemen and they forced us all on a plane to Israel.
Liz:well, atleast they didnt make you walk?
Liz was asked to work after xmas:
What no! Im going home to spend Christmas with my family. Make the Jews Work!!
(Arbeit Macht Frei eh?)
Liz is also insensitive to other cultures( She really isnt shes usually really tired, I know for a fact she means no harm): Her statements include
Stop being an Indian Giver! In front of one of our Indian(South Asian) employees.
She compared all asians to cockroaches.
Both of her comments about Jews can be repeated here. |
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| Writing |
[Dec. 18th, 2004|07:41 pm] |
Burds has this plastered on his door, I keep it around.
ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple "I must," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your while life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse. Then come close to Nature. Then, as if no one had ever tried before, try to say what you see and feel and love and lose... So, dear Sir, I can't give you any advice but this: to go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows; at its source you will find the answer to the question whether you must create. Accept that answer, just as it is given to you, without trying to interpret it...
Rainer Maria Rilke
I think his version might be edited differently, Burds is also a better writer than I but eh what can I do? Im writing my paper on and off this next week. |
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| Why maybe Neitzsche was right |
[Dec. 5th, 2004|07:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Buju Banton - Wanna be loved | ] |
Failure
As dawn brings light into his window he awakes
Groggy he wanders into the shower
Clean and pure he faces his world
By mid morning he is reminded of his shame
The failures of his Youth surround him
No, not me not now
They had other plans or intentions
No not today
Soon on the outside sun bathes his face
He walks alone without purpose
Pain, confusion and loss wash over him
No thank you not today
No thank you not today
Those words echo in his mind and heart
Trying to escape the shame and pain
He retreats
Retreats to the safety of the room
Its quiet safe walls embrace him
Like the lovers he wishes he has
Like the past friends he shared
After collapsing in a chair
He lights the cigar and pours himself a tea
Sipping the tea he thinks:
I have nothing of what they want
I am the one who they snicker and ridicule
When I hear the chorus of laughter
I know its for me |
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| A list which I wont cop to. |
[Nov. 27th, 2004|05:35 am] |
Ive been putting something like this up, but Ive come to a mental block and the Russian is not flowing from me as I would like it too. SO here is a list of things you may or may not know about me. No secrets or anything just things that arent everyday topics.
1. I am a Jewish, I have the honor of being both Shepardi and Ashkenazi. Know that my grandmother is such a racist that she barely tolerated that marriage.
2. I've grown up in semi-Catholic home yet the only Christian religious builiding I have even been in was a Russian Orthodox Monestary. The only reason I was there is my dear friend Aleksei is in training to be a priest there.
3. Until a week ago I never even opened the New Testament.
4. Im still not going anywhere near a Catholic church.
5. The Irish Catholic side of my family has a tendency to remind me of my going to hell for being un-baptized.
6. I maintain most of them will reach hell before I.
7. I used to do a lot of drugs. Never coke, pills or heroin, but anything else I have atleast tried.
8. I did drugs to escape the fact I didnt really like myself, still dont somedays. Some people have changed that, others have helped reinforce it. You dont get to ask which side of the line you fall on this matter. If I feel you should know I will tell you.
9. Just to repeat you dont get to ask, I am not going to tell you unless I feel its better for our relationship.
10. My favorite poet is still Pablo Neruda who's book 20 love poems and A song of Dispair changed my whole outlook on expressing your love on the page.
11.Dostoevsky taught me two things in life which I feel best explain my own veiw of my place in life. the first is If you are penitent you love. And if you love you are a G-d. All things are atoned for, all things are saved by love. If I, a sinner, even as you are, am tender with you and have pity on you, how much more will G-d. Love is such a priceless treasure that you can redeem the whole world by it, and expiate not only your own sins but the sins of others. (Brothers Karamazov. II, 4) which is belief I am hesitating to put into practice, the results could be hurtful. The other was from the opening of Notes from the underground, You know the whole I am a wicked man an evil man... I havent finished that book, My advisor tells me not too.
12. Speaking of my advisor, I personally think I am a constant disappointment to him. Im not Jared, not even close.
13. He wont admit this to me anymore.
14. Just so you know this list will mainly be random, I dont like order it encourages skipping.
15. I used to play the guitar. I was better than your average player because when i would watch TV i would be playing scales for fun.
16. I cant play anymore, I cant feel most of my left hand and I have tendon damage. I blame this on Wrestling and then tendon damage is from wrestling. But the rest of the damage is from football and smashing my hand into walls and such. Ive never hit a wall in anger.
17. I still have a good portion of my Guitars and hate poor players.
18. I can be alone in a room full of people, Yet somehow one person can change that on occasion.
19. I try not to drink Soda.
20. Everytime I make it home I go to this place called Wings over Albany. I do this usually before I even make it to my house.
21. My friend JonEdognuts real name was Mike Walter Williams III and before his parents destroyed him he was a truely good kid.
22. I have never kissed a guy and have no wish to do so. But If two guys want to get married its not my concern. Hell Im going to be the best man at a gay wedding shortly.
23. I hate bad B.O. What disturbs me is when people cant realize just how truely nasty they smell.
24. I hate my body. When I was 171 I hated it, at 225 I still hate it. I don't like being berated about it or complemented on it. I hate the vein in my leg that runs along the inside of my thigh the most.
25. I have more friends with eating disorders that are guys than girls. I am not among them.
26. The saddest song I know is "Love the one your with" That line that goes "And if you can't be with the one you love honey
Love the one your with." Its really sad, If your not with the one you love why are you with the other one? You cant possibly love the other one! I love one person, thats all no more more. Loving two people simultanously will destroy you. I wonder how many people commited suicide as a result of hearing this song regularly.
27. I think love between to people should not have to get involved in the oddness of religion or race as long as you can share it with each other in such a way that you dont compromise yourself or your faith then eh why not.
28. My own religion says something very different to my previous statement. I only have ever challenged that belief once. I started doing it this past week.
29. I have not raise my hands in anger in years.
30. If there is one thing that sticks out in my head its what Amanda Wutkie told me in 9th grade " your kinda a scary guy". Don't know why she said that.
31. A former girlfriend called me a brute. She never explained it further. Thats always ate me a bit.
32. While I love Reggae music, I dislike Bob Marley.
This was going to be a top 100. Im tired though. Maybe I shall change my mind and add later. |
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| Pick my self up |
[Nov. 26th, 2004|12:49 am] |
Today I feel ok with myself. I didnt yesterday and I may not tomorrow but for today I am good.
Reggae music is inspirational and fun.
I give You Peter Tosh' Pick myself up. I hope it helps all those hurting. Seems like the list is growing these days.
Pick Myself Up
Sittin' in the morning sun
And watching all the birds passing by
Oh how sweet they sing
And oh how much I wish that I could fly
And I try
I said I try
I try
I really try try try
But I got to
Pick myself up
Dust myself off
Start all over, again
Sittin' in the midday sun
And wondering where my meal's coming from
After working so hard
Not even piece of bread at the yard
And I said I try
Oh Lord I try
I try
I really try try try
Sittin' in the evening sun
And watching the same birds passing by
Sittin' and wondering
And waiting for the time for me to fly
And I try
I said I try
Good Lord I try
I really try try try
So long and I just find
It was just a waste of time
So long and I just find
I been been wasting all my time
I've got to pick myself up... |
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